方靖 The Chaos

我是个土生土长的北京人。作为一国之都，我想在座的各位多少都对北京有些了解。这座建城三千多年的六朝古都，承载了太多历史。过去，我家住在南城马家楼——大抵约莫是几十年前的事了，于我没什么干系。我降生时，我家已经又打右安门搬到了广安门外。这个叫红居的地方，我只住了一年有余，但是，它留给我的记忆却不逊于我其后居住過的任何一個家。

这是片顶有年头的老北京胡同。既是解放后房管局分的房，也便没有什么历史可考。小时候的寒暑假，很长一段时间都在这里度过。一大早起来，便可以溜达着去早市转悠转悠，这儿有卖早点的、卖菜的、卖小玩意儿的。中午的时候，搬着小凳儿在巷子里找个阴凉地儿一坐，听着蝉鸣，惬意。晚半晌儿，小风嗖嗖一吹，扑鼻的红墙土瓦的芳沁。路灯底下老爷子们下着棋，棋子兒相互碰擊發出清脆的響聲。——“将军！”这是曾经的生活，现在的北京，已经找不到了。

十年後的一個傍晚，我準備倒車搭乘去年秋天建成的地鐵五號線回家。從琉璃廠往外走，我心中不斷涌現的，是改造前這裡狹窄的馬路，與熱鬧的商鋪。夕陽下，古都的風韻，同遠處車水馬龍的立交橋與錯落有致的高樓大廈相映成趣。在欣享這座屹立于世界東方的政治、文化、商業中心，現代化、國際化的亞洲大都會給我們的生活帶來的無數便利的同時，我難以釋懷的是對那個金碧輝煌、樓宇縱橫，又樸質清心、恬淡靜雅的古老鳳城的神往。

二零零八年一月廿一日

此文乃粵語短講所用之原稿。之前作前兩段，師以為文短，吾便又于生辰之日作此第三段。此段同前者作於不同時間，情隨事遷，故其感懷、風貌異乎前。

再記 二月廿五日

離開四中已經半年多了，對四中的種種感情也在時間的積淀中有所反應。今天偶然又提到了我的高中，回房，想動筆寫寫關乎它的事。

每當人們于我提到四中，我總會表達的一種想法就是，我不喜歡四中，去人大附中恐怕更相宜。往往有人感到不解，問我那為什么當時沒有報人大附中。我也問自己，為什么不多考察考察，報一所真正屬于自己的學校。來香港后，發現連那些非北京的人都有不少對四中有所耳聞的，這著實出乎我的意料。

建校百年的四中，曾經是北京僅有的五所中學校之一。高三的時候，校園里立起了雋有四中校史上第二位校長王道元先生訓誡的一塊石。我每每佇立石前，再想想當今四中的種種，悲戚之感油然而生。曾經的四中，是多么令人景仰的一所中華名校，這里曾經培養了不知多少近現代文人志士，然而當今卻成了社會丑態的熔爐。

王道元先生這樣的才士在四中管理層已經再無蹤跡，取而代之的是沒主意的窩囊和心思不正的獨裁者。在這些人走馬上任后，四中這些年的衰頹恐怕也就不怪了。如果四中有翻身之日的話——不知那會是何年的事了。

當然，四中不是一無是處的，有兩件事是因著四中的，我存感念。第一件，是會影響我一生的，就是我同我的班級遇到了李家聲先生。這位腹有詩書的學者，由于種種原因在中學校教書。我們班是理科班，但三年後幾乎我們每個人心中都有一顆文人的心，因為有李家聲這樣一個偉大而平凡的導師。從先生這里學到的遠遠不止是訓詁，他教會了我們做人的精神和在污濁的社會中處世的原則。先生恐怕是我今生遇到的最為我所尊敬的老師。

另一件則是去伊頓公學研修的機會。中韓兩國僅有的四十個名額中唯一的十個全額獎學金名額都配給了北京四中，也使我在早年深切體會了資本主義的種種。這次機會，對我是一次歷練，我其后的很多決策都受之深遠影響。

然而，四中之缺憾遠不是這些可以彌補的，它對才能的扼殺、對人格的輕蔑、對弱勢群體的傲慢，都成為了阻礙四中站穩在中等學府中地位的障礙。那些丑惡于我仍歷歷在目，令我不忍回首。還記得劉長明校長在畢業典禮上的發言，號召畢業生以后能回過來給學校捐款。但是這樣的一所學校怎么能讓人放心地把對未來的期望交予。曾有些同僚說希望母校能重新挺拔起來；但我覺得等不到那天恐怕就已經被對手踩斷了喉嚨。我恨！

丁亥臘月二十九

Today is one of the coldest days I have ever encountered in Hong Kong. Elder students told us that winter this cold is very rare in Hong Kong. Now it’s raining again outside. Rain is my favorite weather, and now it seems so distant and perishing to me.

I didn’t take my umbrella to class. When I was heading back to the halls this afternoon, I got totally dampened – luckily I had my cap to protect my glasses from getting wet. Passing the Li Promenade, the panorama of the Joint Sports Center in the rains reminded me of a night long ago, when I was also passing there on the way to the halls. But the sky is brighter this time – last time was 8 in the evening.

Alex told me that he had already changed his Windows desktop background to a poster of the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”. I did too today. Frozen waves stand still in front of the edifices of the NYC. Is it coming now? I don’t know why global warming could also cause the decreasing in temperature during winters. I hardly ever listened during geology classes. But what I heard and see is that heavy snows have blocked many major railway lines in our country. The route I always used transporting back and forth between Beijing and Hong Kong is now obstructed. Friends around me are also cancelling flights back home for the Spring Festival – many airports are also out of use.

Days ago shortage of electricity also set on due to the blockade in the transportation of power resulted from the snow. But now in the prosperous society of Hong Kong, in our residence halls, I still routinely turn off the lights and sometimes even the television every time I pass by the lounge of our floor. They Hong-Kongers do not forget to switch them off – they just don’t switch them off. They never mind the huge consumption of power. They don’t pay here in the dormitory. Even if they do, it’s just too cheap for them – the government subsidized this much for them to consume it wildly. Who knows what would the production of power result thousands of kilometers away.

It’s still raining outside. I love rains.

几分钟前，城大的一个人在宿舍跳楼身亡。我不知道这个人的身份是谁，但只恐又是一个学生。我来香港至此不过半年，然而高校噩耗接踵而至。这教育是怎么了！同学们是怎么了！

还记得当时听说科大有人自身，感觉尚去己甚远。寒假时冷不丁收到宿舍有女同学昏死的讣告，我心头为之一震。有人说是考试结束乐极生悲所致，也有人说是感情原因，这我尚且不管。但这是生命啊！万事在生命面前都是渺小的啊！一死生为虚诞，齐彭殇为妄作！信夫斯言！

这些死者都非我所熟稔，我亦无从得知何等人会有是样极端行动。我觉得我们该为他们哀悼，一个个哀悼。这是我们的悲哀。这是人类当今教育的悲哀。身体发肤受之父母，不可伤，此孝道之始也。夫子之诲，亦不得庶几乎？尚飨！

今日有幸亲临聆听了北师大康震副教授对唐诗的精彩演说。我虽不是百家讲坛的常客我不太喜欢百家讲坛常常主讲人没说几句话就开始插播节目介绍的风格，觉得花45分钟听30分钟的讲课很不值得，但我向来还是信任百家讲坛讲师的水平，同时很推崇百家讲坛这种弘扬文化的方法。我到的时候大概已经两点二十五了，但厅内却略显人丁稀落。想必是在香港，人们都不太讲求时间观念吧。坐定罢，人们也便陆陆续续地上来了，还真有不少基础年的同学。讲座也在两点四十五左右不准时地开始了。不出意料，先是一些在位者的发言。之后康教授便开始了他的讲授。

听过李家声先生课的人恐怕都会在中文学科上期待一位李家声式的教师。康震虽与家声先生风格迥异，但却也同样令人欣赏。这次讲座的内容安排也很精致，没有给听众解说一首一首唐诗，而是从几位诗人入手，再从相关史料中引证，带着一种探究之态度，给听众描绘唐代诗人的生活与遭遇。

还记得几年前初访一位新识友人，其母问我，有没有更喜欢李白抑或杜甫抑或白居易。对唐朝诗歌文化了解并不深的我其实对这些唐诗大家的区别并不甚了解，当然也就不能回答如是问题。不过今日康教授对这些诗人的解读却实实地使我对他们的义同有了深切之感受。更重要的是，康震在解读诗人的基础上，对当时的社会、历史、文化也进行了相当的分析，更让人对盛唐之所以为盛有所恍然。

我现在明白了唐朝是如何的伟大，当知道了员半千这样的才士是如何的狂妄却又能仕途显达，我慨叹李白一众这些盛唐文人是何等幸运。然而盛世终不长久，安史之乱给唐诗的历史立下了一块里程碑。这时代变迁带来了杜甫这样的体及百姓的圣贤——不愧为儒士一介。我这样想，任何一种社会是否都能出现杰出的文人？今世又何如？文人有显达的时代，有被排挤世外的时代，胡如当世？

康震一开头便提出了一个问题，问为何当世难有能和这些唐代大诗人媲美的骚人墨客。我以为他今日并没给出确解。我如是说，这问题出在教育上。如果每个学生从上小学就读《文选》、《古文观止》、四书五经、唐诗宋词，我不信当代出不得文人。再看看当代文作之恶俗，白话文之苍白与无力，我仰天长叹，不知何求。时代变了，像李家声先生说的那样，现在教育是工业化生产的年代。

问答时间，我提出了一个关于《诗经》与唐诗之关系的问题。我想，《诗》之于唐，当如唐诗之于今。不是时代错了，斯乃史之必然。我们恐怕再难见到《诗》风之兴。康震说，经典在正常的社会环境下会处于常态，不冷不热。此言善。

附记：

讲座过程中，作为嘉宾坐在前排的一个老者对康震不甚尊重，倚老卖老。据说此人居社会学院某要职。我对此感到遗憾。

This argument has been on ever since Simplified Chinese came into existence: Between Traditional and Simplified Chinese, which is better? This argument is especially distinct when there are still regions like Taiwan and Hong Kong where Traditional Chinese is the official script. I have once asked a Hong Kong college student, why people in Hong Kong are still using Traditional Chinese? Don’t they think it’s bothersome to write a character for 10 seconds when it can be just 3 seconds and its meaning is still not at all made ambiguous? The answer was: I want to know too.

There are people in Hong Kong questioning the necessity of keeping Traditional Chinese as of the use of daily life. And I think the situation in Taiwan is similar. So what’s the obstacle of the transformation?

Let’s first come to see what some Mainlanders think. Once I was chatting with a couple of my friends about the two Chinese scripts, and one said, only Traditional Chinese is the real Chinese, it’s much better than the Simplified. I did not question him any further. Such thought is quite common in some Mainlanders’ minds, especially those who love traditional Chinese culture so much, and who practice Chinese calligraphy. I have been practicing calligraphy for more than ten years, I know what’s in their mind so well.

Every experienced calligrapher, or those who are into the art of calligraphy, witnesses the beauty of a regular script character being written with a brush pen. Few of these works, although there are some these days, are in Simplified Chinese. And when people comparing the two, they think the traditional one possesses more artistic value because the combination of Simplified Chinese with brush pen calligraphy does not look “right” to their sense of calligraphy.

In the long history of Chinese civilization, the language, in either its oral form or its script, has evolved to a great extend as well. Several thousand years ago, our forbearers carved simple notations on bones and turtle shells. This kind of notation evolved to be the most primitive script in the civilization – it is called the bones and shells script. In the multi-thousand year history, our scripture has changed to metal script, seal script, official script, cursive script, regular script, and running script. What we refer to as “Traditional Chinese” in modern times emerged only in late Han Dynasty, and there were quite a handful of scriptures used as standard before regular script. Our forefathers may as well argued that the official script was the “real” Chinese scripture while the regular script was too simple to be applied in formal writing.

Qin Shi Huang, the first emperor of the Qin Dynasty made the seal scripture of the State of Qin the only official scripture in China. This action left profound influence to China. All following rulers of this nation followed him to unify the scripture, and even the oral language since the wide spread of Putonghua. Without the unification of the language, there would not have been this convenience of communication, thus the prosperity of China, the most powerful country in the world for a thousand years.

The ancient Chinese people have given the answer to the reform and evolution to our language. If any of us is to stubbornly follow the legacy of our ancestors, he should support the use of Simplified Chinese. I am not saying we should abandon Traditional Chinese completely – even the most primitive form of Chinese characters has been preserved until now. And there’s always the need of various forms of Chinese characters in the field of art, especially calligraphy. I am a calligraphy lover myself. When practicing calligraphy, particularly when imitating the classics, I would never hesitate to choose Traditional Chinese. Through the many years of practicing, I can easily recognize and write many Traditional Chinese characters. But still, I think the promotion of the use of Simplified Chinese is a must. By using Simplified Chinese, we are sure to shorten our time when writing and make our life more efficient. This is inevitable. This is what the history would be written.

新学期的课表几经周折总算下来了，周二、周四下午都有空，我终于可以如愿以偿参加合唱团了。但我终究又处在游移之中了，当参加合唱团的决定权又回到我手中时，我又犹豫了。觉得这个合唱团是个很专业的，会到世界各地参加比赛什么的，好像和我期望的不符。毕竟我不想全心搞这个，只当个兴趣小组似的活动是比较好的。于是我又有理由不参加合唱团了。这么十多年了，一直就是这样周折。即使在上中学后我几乎完全不想合唱团的事儿了。

小学一年级，我被特例提前吸纳到校合唱团。起初觉得是个荣耀事儿。其实我是打小儿就好唱歌这口儿，小时候引以为豪的是一岁多的时候唱电视剧《渴望》的主题曲就不带跑调、错节奏的，虽然当时我自己都不知道歌词的意思，恨不得连是那个字都不解，就凭我对音乐的灵性——当然那岁数的事我是不可能记得的，也全凭父母一次次地提及。起先我不以为然，但当我有一次听我时年五岁的小表妹在全家面前唱歌的时候，我开始意识到我对音乐天生的灵性是何等来之不易。也许音乐都是通着的，我的手型也是长而劲，手指肚也很适当弹键盘器，但比声乐还要早夭的就是我学电子琴的历程了。

大概小学二年级的时候，有一阵我们校合唱团要参加比赛，以致合唱团的排练时间越来越长，次数越来越多，到后来周六周日两天都各占半天。这对于小学低年级的学生来说可实在够呛。后来我就开始逃训练，当然干这事儿的不止我一个。再后来就以逃训练为荣，越来越经常地干。再后来，我就干脆不去了。但到了又一个学期，音乐老师又耐心地把我重新招进了合唱团。这次我自然就不会老老实实了，逃训练更成了家常便饭。仗着我是合唱团的核心主力，老师也都容忍了，毕竟团里的比赛我还都是尽量去参加了，尽管事前都不怎么参加训练，也算是出力了。这以后，我在小学的几年中，“加入”合唱团多次，但压根儿就没正式退出过。

除去校内的合唱，我有一阵儿还参加了校外的声乐培训。这种形式其实我还是更青睐的，因为不会有不按预定的时间排练的时候，没有加班加点，不会让它在预定时间以外造成牵绊。这段日子的声乐学习是我最享受的了。就这样，晃晃悠悠过了小学。

初一的时候，由于我是班里唯一一个学过声乐的，便被自然而然地指定为音乐课代表。老师自然告诉了我合唱团招新的时间，意思鼓励我去。我去了，然而这一年我仅仅参加了屈指可数的几次训练。还记得第一次训练时，没怎么正经唱，一直跟旁边的人聊，认识认识朋友。有个高一的，早忘了叫什么，训练中间休息时就去打球了。好像这之后我就只去过一回训练了。初二初三，我们搬到北校上课，貌似这里没有合唱团，我自然就解放了，不用去度这件事。

高一的时候我曾考虑过进校合唱团，一个是四中的合唱团还是很不错的，再者我觉得嗓子老不练也不成，但还是一直犹豫，因为这种性质的合唱团还是很有可能加班加点的，何况我家在学校四十公里开外。高一下学期年级里有合唱比赛，音乐课就变成了排练课。大家自由选择声部后，老师一个声部一个声部地集体听音。我过去一直是唱男高的，就坐在了男高那片。老师叫全体男高声部随着她钢琴的音高发声，不两回合，我的声线就凸显出来了。老师放下钢琴，说我们声部有一个人的声音非常好，问是谁。我压根就不想让老师认识我，怕又拉我去合唱，便没支声。但两边的同学把我“捅”出去了，老师专门让我试了几个音，说我是非常好的男中音，强烈建议我去参加合唱团。然后又对着全班说，因为声乐特长高考可能加分，过去最多的加过六十分。况且有些人很有天赋的，可能稍微练一练就能拿到这分，不练就可惜了。那节课的训练因为我这事儿让给打断了。这是老师头一次注意到我，尽管我们高二就没有音乐课了，但到了一年以后我再见到音乐老师，她还是没等我提就想起我来了。

高二时，我经过激烈的思想斗争，还是去了合唱团。但好景不长，第二次训练我就中途出逃了，再往后就没好意思再去。毕竟老师认得我。

那以后，我曾经下决心，上大学一定好好参加声乐训练。但现在我有一次止步了，迫于我对牵绊(commitment)的畏惧，迫于我的病结。我想，我恐怕永远都不能再好好地参加一次合唱团了，这是我的无能。也许我还会在这里游移，一边想着要好好训练声乐，一边想着怕被不必须的事情牵绊。人是可以被对自由的渴望奴役的。

现在我解脱了，参加合唱团曾经是我不参加其他有责任的活动的抵押，现在我连抵押都给翻了。我的声乐也就这么断送了。